Into The Wild

The month of May was a very crazy month. I was out of work all month. I had car problems which caused me to have financial problems, because I spent all my money on trying to get my car fixed. So I am practicality penniless. Living on my moms couch.

This has caused me to contemplate my life. It has left me wondering about where I am headed? What is my personal legend? Does God have an adventure planed for me? Am I destined for a life of holding on tightly to the nothing that I have? Will I settle for a life of quiet desperation? Racking up more and more debts. Constantly in and out of work. Or will I some how pull out of this tail spin?

I dream of great things. I want to be a minister. I want to be a missionary. I long to travel the world and to preach the word of God and see it change peoples lives.Will I live a life of impact? Will I settle for a lukewarm existence? Will I live the average middle class life? Will I travel to China or Iran?

But I kind of feel like I am afraid of the wild. I am worried about the unknown. I like the safety of previous experience and knowing that things can't go all that bad. But to live the life I want I must live by faith. Which requires doing things with out having any idea how they will really happen.

Thank you Christopher McCandless. Alexander Supertramp you have been an inspiration.

Trapped in Myself

Oh I dream of being something yet even more I dream of making myself nothing.

I want to be like Jesus, though I don't trust enough. I sit in my sorrow, trying to hide from my problems. I want help but I'm afraid of being condemned for my failures. I fear that no one can help me. Why am I trapped in my self? Will I ever change?

I Sit and Dream of a Movie Love

I love romantic comedies. I ever since I saw When Harry Meet Sally. I desire a movie love. I thought it was because love always wins. Love wins over heartbreak in a dramatic movie. Love wins over awkwardness in a romantic comedy. The latter being my favorite because I am pretty awkward. Tonight I watched the movie Dan in Real Life. It is a classic guy meets girl while out of town turns out to be relatives girlfriend story (This doesn't take away from it being a great movie).

Though something I realized is that I really don't want the love to win. I think I really like the concept of love as something that can be won. I have so few ways that I can be been a conqueror.

Sitting in the Hand of God

Wow the last few weeks have been a wild ride. I was living life. Hating my job wishing things would change not knowing how to make it happen.
Then I decided I was going to look for a new job then a day latter I kind of got laid off ( or I guess quit of quit my job). They offered to pay me commission only which would have been a 25% pay cut. I would be making minimum wage.
So I am unemployed and feeling really sick, it gave me some time to sleep, read and meditate. After a few days of that I try to get back into life and start the pursuit of my personal legend. I am thinking it is going back to school and working a part time job. Then after a few days my car starts over heating and I am trying to take care of it but I didn't think I have enough money to fix it. So I keep driving it with it over heating. Then I take it into the shop to get fixed and they tell me it is going to be $500 to fix and these are the friend prices. Then once it is in the shop they tell me it will be over a thousand dollars to get fixed. So I had to spend the rest of my cash to get some transportation.
So all I can do is pray and hope for the bast. My only hope is the confidence that I am sitting in the hand of God. I can do nothing but trust that God will always point me in the right direction.

Wow

Wow I didn’t realize until today how lost I have been. It was weird to see that I had posted one entry to this blog in March and April. I kind of think of this blog as being my log of the journey of life. I know I have been many places but to see that I didn’t write about them shows me I didn’t really know where I was going on where I really was while I was there.

So I decide as of today to take more time to explore all of the places I go.

Stuck in A Rut

I have been trying to accomplish a lot of things for the last 6 months. Progress has been slow and sometimes non-existent. Right now I am trying to save money but it seems like I am incapable of doing that. I keep letting my self go out to lunch every day which is like 45 or 50 bucks a week. Then I have all these transportation costs to take care of(Registration, a ticket, smog check, oil changes, transmission fluid change and something with my radiator I need to take care of).

So finances have been nuts. Then I want to louse weight and I have not been motivated at all to work out. So I am kind of hating life right now. I feel like I need to get on top of everything but I don't really know how. Can any one help?

This is how I feel Right Now

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats