Friday, May 27, 2011

Wow... What in The World?

So I have been in China off and on for just over 21 months. Some amazing things have happened. I lost about 50 lbs. I have seen a guy be completely changed by reading the Bible and then change back because he stopped. I have seen a person who would have wanted to persecute me inexplicably be unable to see that while I sat next to him I was sharing the Bible with his friend. I helped to start a non-profit dedicated to helping people.  I am pretty excited that I am here. Though a few lingering ideas cause me to take pause.

The main one being I kind of would like to get married. I April 30th I turned 34. I feel like I have a lot of love to give and would love to be in a relationship. Though it seems like the prospects are pretty slim here in China. So I have been challenged to act on faith to start going out on dates with people I can potentially marry. I have been having trouble acting faithfully in this. For some reason I am afraid to talk to the people I feel I would need to in order to find these potential dates. I am scared. I think this is the type of thing that on the surface I am afraid of failure but in a certain way I am afraid of success.

I am not writing this to have people tell me buck up it will be ok. That really irritates me when people respond in that way. It make me feel like they are negating my fears which are at least slightly rational fears. So if you have constructive advice feel free to respond if not I am just trying to be open about my life and I know that GOD is amazing and can do anything and will provide for all my needs and possible desires in a way that is immeasurably better than I can imagine.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Coming Clean

I often hold back the things that go on in my heart. I am very reluctant to reveal the real me which is probably why no one reads my blog. Today I revealed my self and my dirty little secrets to two of my friends. I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. For a long time I had felt trapped by these secrets.

But on the other hand the they set me free. They allowed me to live in an imaginary world were I could do anything and be anything. In that world I felt powerful and accomplished. It allowed me to escape all of the ways I feel like a failure in the real world.  The sad thing was I didn't like who I wanted to be in that world and the success was simply self satisfaction. Actually many time the success was giving other satisfaction so they would want to interact with the successful me.